hello!
this is hanae, it's been a while!
i made this page for everyone who commissioned me and whose art is on hold as well as everyone who was wondering where i've been..i feel like everyone who's art was on hold deserves an explanation to where i've been all this time
and why i wasn't able to get back to them
i've been in a very dark place..when i stopped making art about two years ago, i had severe debilitating ocd..
i wasn't able to do anything but compulsions all day, until things got scary and out of hand and i had to seek help..one of the reasons i stopped making art was that my ocd got worse when i painted..this was very difficult to face.. but i just wanted the pain to end, so i decided to stop.. it was the hardest decision of my life, because before that i worked so hard for years to become a successful artist, i studied the old masters, i took courses, i learned all i can.. and i wanted nothing more than to be able to make art for people and make a living doing that..a few months later and i started feeling the urge to make art again, so i started watercolors because they were calming and therapeutic, they helped when i was in a state of constant fear and panic.. and somehow doing that helped me calm down a lot, it was a different feeling from how i used to paint before, mind you all i was making then was color blobs, sometimes a little shape or a little house or sth.. but for the first time i felt at peace.. and the art i made in that space felt right, like it came right from my soul..i started to find glimpses of hope in words and blobs of color.. and in the dark place i was in, those glimpses were everything..i don't know why, but even now, when i get back to that 'place' i was in, while working on character art, the ocd gets bad again, and i'm really really scared of going back there, this is why i can't make art in the previous style anymore. i wish i knew why this happens..
it's so weird because part of me really wanted to make the art and another part of me felt like it was screaming and dying?maybe the ocd was just trying to tell me that something about it didn't align..what i realized through all this is maybe this path is not for me, and even though i love and appreciate all the cool character artists, figure & concept artists, that doesn't mean that path is for me, i think that's what ocd was trying to tell me..at least that's how i'm making sense of it (there was a lot of therapy, healing and processing to come to this and it really took all i got and this is the best i can do now), but starting to make art again from a place of simplicity and direct honesty began to heal me in a way..it was something like, this is the place were i find my peace and purpose, (and btw i'm the only one here to blame for trying to be something i'm not, but being so hyperfixated on making good art and getting into the industry never left me the chance to discover that.. that's another thing i learned is to value the place where i find my home, if that makes sense, instead of trying to reach for ideals that don't align.. ) so the things that show up as style, are a reflection of this..i hope this explains things a little bit on why i can't continue the previous commissions, and that this is not just about a change of style, it was literally something i had to do to stay sane.. i really really tried my best, but it took two years to get back to being functional and sane enough, and i'm still scared everyday..thankfully i'm in a place where i can be functional again so i'm working on getting back to the commissioners first thing!
i hope that you can bare with me as i start to get things back together, get all my expired paperworks in order and get back to everyone with refunds!thank you so much for reading through
much love ❤
hanae